Tomorrow We Start Again

Today was the hardest yet...
     Why do I feel so shitty saying that? I'm not in healthcare. I'm not an essential worker. I don't have to do the shopping. I don't have to worry about a paycheck or rent or bills. Hell, I don't even have to worry about what the day will bring. But, damn, today was hard.
     It's always difficult when a transition happens. It's an unspoken uneasiness. How will he be? Was there any issues? Was anything said that shouldn't have been? Does he like our house the same as hers? The kids get on edge: Excited, frazzled, confused. Dad gets his "big smile" on. It's always the same thing. Always. Even though it has been over 8 years of transitions for me, it's always stressful. I can't imagine how it must feel on B. So, there's transition.
     Then, there's the two toddlers. They are the darn cutest, but also, NO ONE gets my blood pumping like they can. It's amazing! They don't know how to read, write, completely talk, but man, they can push my buttons. When the day starts at 6am, I know it's going to be long. When they decide it's not a good day to nap, it's even longer. When they fight over toys or space or attention or just picking on each other, it's a long day. The thing is, these days are completely normal for me. I stay home with my kids. I've been home for three years now. I should be used to this. I should have my MOM face on. I should be able to get through it, perhaps even smiling.
     But, today was a hard day.
It is a hard day for so many people. So many of us are struggling. If we are at home, we are struggling with connection, boredom, exercising, taking care of ourselves and families. If we are working, we are struggling with all the above, plus fears of getting sick, dealing with irrational strangers, and being safe. This is not a normal time.
     But back to today. It was hard. I'm tired, sore, mentally shaken. On top of this, I have a terrible sense of guilt for feeling this way. This is my Every. Day. This is what is expected of me. My job is to be there for my kids and family. My job is to put on a brave face, a smile, a sense of calm...Not today.
     My solace was getting in my car, turning it on and watching my church service for Maundy Thursday.  Full tank of gas and didn't even put the thing in drive! Just sat. Listened. Thought. Prayed. Silent.
     Today, was not a good day. Today I am leaving behind. Today is almost over.
Tomorrow we start again. Here's to better days.